Tuesday, 15 December 2009

God's great call centre in the sky.

Just a random thought I had last night I decided to flesh out. Sorry if this offends anyone's religious bent. Just a bit of fun.

Person with a debilitating degenerative disease...picks up the phone and dials.

SFX: Phone ringing.

Call centre answering service: Hello.
Dude: Hi.. I’d –
CCAS: Thank you for calling 1-800-1-GOD.
Dude: Yes I'd like too --
CCAS:Your call is important to us.

Dude: Yes Right, of course...how silly of me...

CCAS: Please stay on the line and a customer service agent will be with you shor --
The voice is cut off as a real voice takes over.

Call centre Angel: Hello, you’ve reached 1-800-1-GOD. How can we help you today?

Dude: Yes, hello. I was given a faulty body.

CCA: What year and model, sir?

Dude: It's a Caucasian, 1963 model, medium, with brown hair and green eyes.

CCA: Can you please stay on the line for a moment, sir. I need to put you on hold.

Dude: Sure, no problem.

CCA: Thank you, sir.

HOLD MUSIC: Love lifts us up where we belong

Dude: Oh man.....

HOLD MUSIC: Where eagles fly...on the mountain h---

CCA: Thank you for holding sir. It turns out the ‘63 you described did have a defect. Would you like a trade in for a new model?

Dude: What? Yeah! Really? What’s the catch?

CCA: I’m afraid you must default the rest of the term on your current model.

Dude: Oh...okay...well I'm miserable now. What can it hurt?

CCA: Okay sir. Just wait there, an angel will be around to collect your soul shortly

Dude: Thanks...

Dude: It's our pleasure. Please be advised that at the age of 18 in your new model you will receive a customer service call, so we can learn how to better serve you. Thank you for your time. Have a nice life.

SFX as CCA hangs up : Click

Dude: That was....gasp.....

SFX of body hitting the floor: thud

Dude’s lifeless body falls to the floor. An angel stands with a soft glowing light in his hand.

The angel pulls out a cell phone.

Angel: Hi, yup. I got ‘em. You’ve got the new model ready to go? Great. I’ll be there in a jiffy.

Angel snaps the phone closed. He disappears.

A baby is born.

At the age of 18 the phone rings.

Dude: Hello?

CCA: Good afternoon, sir. We’re just calling to find out how you’re getting on with your new ’86 model?

Dude: Erm…my what?

CCA: Your body. How’s it working out for you?

Dude: Eh..I guess it’s….what?

CCA: Would you say the service you received in your previous model was satisfactory, above average, or kick ass?

Dude: I’m going to hang up now.

SFX: Dial tone.

Cut to two angels in a call centre.

CCA turns to other CCA.

CCA: F$%&in’ monkeys. Hello, you’ve reached 1-800-1-GOD. How can we help you today?


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